THE FEDERAL CHEESE QUIETLY AGING BENEATH SPRINGFIELD, MISSOURI.

THE FEDERAL CHEESE QUIETLY AGING BENEATH SPRINGFIELD, MISSOURI.

YES. UNDER THIS PERFECTLY ORDINARY MIDWESTERN CITY SITS A LIMESTONE CAVE SYSTEM STORING HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS OF POUNDS OF GOVERNMENT-OWNED CHEESE. REAL CHEESE. CHEDDAR, MOSTLY. PATIENT. SILENT. WAITING.

THE CAVES STAY A STEADY 36 DEGREES YEAR-ROUND, WHICH IS IDEAL FOR DAIRY AND ALSO FOR NEVER THINKING ABOUT DAYLIGHT AGAIN. THE CHEESE BELONGS TO THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF AGRICULTURE, PURCHASED DECADES AGO TO STABILIZE MILK PRICES AND NOW RESTING LIKE A LACTOSE-HEAVY STRATEGIC RESERVE.

NO TOURS. NO TASTING. JUST FORKLIFTS, HUMIDITY CONTROL, AND THE QUIET KNOWLEDGE THAT IF CIVILIZATION COLLAPSES, MISSOURI WILL STILL BE ABLE TO MAKE A GRILLED CHEESE FOR THE AGES.

SO, IF YOU’RE DRIVING THROUGH SPRINGFIELD AND FEEL A STRANGE SENSE OF COMFORT BENEATH YOUR FEET—DON’T WORRY. THAT’S NOT GEOLOGY. THAT’S CHEDDAR.