Things That Make Doug Mad - March 2026 (title from file name)

I LIVE ON VASHON ISLAND. VASHON HAS A TROLL. THE TROLL’S NAME IS OSCAR. OSCAR IS EIGHTEEN FEET TALL, WEARS A CROWN OF BIRDHOUSES, AND LIVES IN A GROVE OF TREES AT POINT ROBINSON PARK ON MAURY ISLAND, WHICH IS CONNECTED TO VASHON, ABOUT A TWENTY-MINUTE DRIVE FROM THE FERRY DOCK. THIS INFORMATION IS ON THE INTERNET. IT IS ON MANY WEBSITES. IT HAS BEEN ON MANY WEBSITES SINCE SEPTEMBER OF 2023.

NONE OF THIS STOPS PEOPLE FROM ASKING ME WHERE THE TROLL IS.

EVERY WEEKEND. FERRY PULLS IN. TOURIST WALKS UP TO THE FIRST ISLANDER THEY SEE — WHICH IS OFTEN ME — AND ASKS, WITH COMPLETE SINCERITY, “WHERE’S THE TROLL?”

I AM NOT A TROLL MAP. I AM A PERSON TRYING TO GET A CUP OF COFFEE.

I ANSWER ANYWAY, BECAUSE I’M NOT A MONSTER, UNLIKE THE EIGHTEEN-FOOT RECYCLED WOOD SCULPTURE I JUST GAVE YOU DIRECTIONS TO.

BUT HERE’S WHAT I NEED YOU TO UNDERSTAND. THIS IS NOT THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE I’VE BEEN ASKED AN UNANSWERABLE QUESTION BY A TOURIST WHO EXPECTED A LOCAL TO FIX IT.

I USED TO LIVE ON MAUI. AND ONE AFTERNOON, A TOURIST — AN ADULT, WITH A RENTAL CAR AND PRESUMABLY A FUNCTIONING PHONE — APPROACHED ME AND ASKED, IN COMPLETE SERIOUSNESS, FOR DIRECTIONS TO KAUAI.

KAUAI. THE ISLAND. THE SEPARATE ISLAND. ACROSS A CHANNEL. SEVENTY MILES AWAY.

I HAVE NEVER FULLY RECOVERED.

OSCAR, AT LEAST, REQUIRES A CAR.