New Hampshire

NEW HAMPSHIRE

A KEENE WOMAN IS DEMANDING A FULL CRIMINAL INVESTIGATION AFTER HER NEIGHBOR ALLEGEDLY REPLACED THE HOLY WATER IN HER BACKYARD GROTTO WITH APPLE CIDER.

PATRICIA VOLPE, 74, SAYS SHE NOTICED SOMETHING WAS WRONG DURING HER WEDNESDAY MORNING BLESSING RITUAL WHEN THE WATER — AND THIS IS HER WORD — “SMELLED FESTIVE.”

THE SUSPECT, A MAN KNOWN IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD ONLY AS “CIDER DAVE,” HAS NOT DENIED THE SWAP. IN A BRIEF STATEMENT LEFT ON PATRICIA’S PORCH — WRITTEN ON A PAPER BAG — HE SAID HE BELIEVED APPLE CIDER, AS NEW HAMPSHIRE’S OFFICIAL STATE BEVERAGE, HELD, QUOTE, “EQUAL OR GREATER SANCTITY THAN WHATEVER THE POPE IS SELLING.”

CIDER DAVE COULD NOT BE REACHED FOR COMMENT, AS HE DOES NOT HAVE A PHONE. OR, APPARENTLY, A LAST NAME.

WHAT MAKES THIS STORY STRANGER: PATRICIA ADMITS THE GROTTO HAS LOOKED BETTER SINCE THE SWAP. THE STONE SAINT FRANCIS, SHE TOLD REPORTERS, HAS DEVELOPED WHAT SHE DESCRIBES AS “A LOVELY AMBER PATINA” AND SMELLS, QUOTE, “LIKE A GOOD OCTOBER.”

SHE IS STILL PRESSING CHARGES.

THE KEENE POLICE DEPARTMENT CONFIRMED THEY ARE INVESTIGATING, AND ADDED — UNPROMPTED — THAT THEY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT CHARGE WOULD APPLY HERE.

CIDER DAVE WAS LAST SEEN AT A LOCAL ORCHARD, BUYING MORE CIDER. PRESUMABLY FOR RELIGIOUS PURPOSES.

LIVE FREE OR DIE, NEW HAMPSHIRE.