"DO-SI-DON'T"

NORTH DAKOTA

“DO-SI-DON’T”

A BISMARCK MAN IS BEING ASKED NOT TO RETURN TO THE BURLEIGH COUNTY HARVEST FESTIVAL AFTER SERVING AS SQUARE DANCE CALLER FOR APPROXIMATELY ELEVEN MINUTES BEFORE THE ENTIRE FLOOR STOPPED MOVING AND JUST STOOD THERE.

RANDY HOFF, 54, HAD VOLUNTEERED TO FILL IN AFTER THE SCHEDULED CALLER CANCELED. RANDY HAD ATTENDED ONE SQUARE DANCE IN 1987 AND DESCRIBED HIMSELF TO ORGANIZERS AS, QUOTE, “BASICALLY FAMILIAR WITH HOW IT GOES.”

HE WAS NOT.

RANDY’S FIRST CALL WAS “ALLEMANDE LEFT, THEN GO RIGHT, THEN MAYBE CIRCLE, I WANT TO SAY, CLOCKWISE?” THREE COUPLES WALKED INTO EACH OTHER. ONE LEFT TO GET A HOT DISH AND DID NOT COME BACK.

HE THEN CALLED “DO-SI-DO YOUR PARTNER, THEN YOUR CORNER, THEN WHOEVER’S CLOSEST, USE YOUR JUDGMENT.” WITNESSES SAY THIS PRODUCED SOMETHING THAT LOOKED LESS LIKE SQUARE DANCING AND MORE LIKE EIGHT PEOPLE TRYING TO FIND THEIR CARS IN A DARK PARKING LOT.

RANDY’S THIRD AND FINAL CALL WAS “OKAY EVERYBODY JUST SWING, JUST — YEAH, SWING, LIKE A SWING, YOU KNOW WHAT A SWING IS.”

AT THIS POINT THE FIDDLE PLAYER SIMPLY STOPPED PLAYING.

RANDY MAINTAINS THE CROWD WAS UNRESPONSIVE. THE CROWD MAINTAINS RANDY CALLED “PROMENADE” TWICE IN A ROW WITH NO INTERVENING STEPS, WHICH IS APPARENTLY NOT A THING.

NORTH DAKOTA HAS DESIGNATED SQUARE DANCING ITS OFFICIAL STATE DANCE SINCE 1995. RANDY HAS BEEN DESIGNATED PERSONA NON GRATA AT THE HARVEST FESTIVAL SINCE TUESDAY.