FLORIDA MAN JUNE 2026

FLORIDA MAN JUNE 2026

FLORIDA WILDLIFE OFFICIALS AND ELECTION OFFICIALS ARE SCRATCHING THEIR HEADS THIS MORNING AFTER FLORIDA MAN BUCK NORRIS RAN FOR STATE HOUSE ON A “PROTECT THE MONKEYS” PLATFORM. THE CANDIDATE, A FORMER MONKEY FEEDER FROM HOMESTEAD’S MONKEY JUNGLE PROMISED TO MAKE IT ILLEGAL TO HARASS THE STATE’S RHESUS MACAQUES AND TO KEEP THEM HOUSED IN A GIANT MONKEY SANCTUARY WITH FREE BANANAS FOR LIFE.

THE CAMPAIGN WAS GAINING STEAM WITH VOTERS WHO LOVED HIS PROMISE TO PROTECT THE MONKEYS. BUT AN OLD SCANDAL FROM HIS EARLIER LIFE COMPLETELY DERAILED IT. IT TURNED OUT THE CANDIDATE HAD BEEN ARRESTED YEARS AGO FOR ATTEMPTING TO SMUGGLE A PET MONKEY ACROSS STATE LINES INSIDE A BEER KEG.

INSTEAD OF HIDING THE PAST, THE CANDIDATE TRIED TO SPIN IT BY HOLDING A PRESS CONFERENCE WITH A RESCUE MONKEY ON HIS SHOULDER. THAT ONLY MADE THINGS WEIRDER WHEN THE MONKEY STOLE HIS MICROPHONE AND STARTED THROWING FECES AT REPORTERS.

STATE OFFICIALS ARE CALLING THE WHOLE THING A PUBLICITY STUNT. BUT LOCALS SWEAR THIS IS THE SAME GUY WHO ONCE TRAINED WILD MONKEYS TO STEAL TOURIST’S KEYS. EACH CAMPAIGN STOP LEFT BEHIND A TRAIL OF EMPTY RED BULL CANS AND ONE PERFECTLY FOLDED FLORIDA GATORS FLAG.

A POLITICAL ANALYST FROM THE UNIVERSITY OF FLORIDA CONFIRMED THAT NORRIS WAS A FORMER UNIVERSITY ANIMAL TRAINER WHO WENT FULL METHOD IN THE EVERGLADES.