OHIO

OHIO

AUTHORITIES IN RURAL LICKING COUNTY ARE BAFFLED THIS MORNING AFTER A MASSIVE, 12-FOOT-TALL ‘BUCKEYE YETI’ WAS CAUGHT ON TRAIL CAM TERRORIZING A SWEET CORN FARM NEAR NEWARK. WITNESSES DESCRIBE THE CREATURE AS A HULKING, FUR-COVERED BEAST… WEARING NOTHING BUT AN OVERSIZED OHIO STATE FOOTBALL JERSEY AND A NECKLACE MADE ENTIRELY OF GIANT BUCKEYE NUTS.

FARM OWNER EARL HIGGINS SAYS THE BEAST DIDN’T JUST TRAMPLE HIS CROPS—IT METHODICALLY ARRANGED HUNDREDS OF EARS OF CORN INTO A PERFECT REPLICA OF THE OHIO STATE MARCHING BAND FORMATION, COMPLETE WITH A TINY SCRIPT OHIO SPELLED OUT IN BABY CARROTS.

‘IT WAS DOING THE DAMN ICKEY SHUFFLE THE WHOLE TIME, HIGGINS TOLD REPORTERS WHILE HOLDING A HALF-EATEN EAR OF CORN THAT HE SWEARS HAS BITE MARKS SHAPED LIKE WOODY HAYES’ GLASSES.

STATE WILDLIFE OFFICIALS ARE CALLING IT A HOAX, BUT LOCALS AREN’T SO SURE. THIS MARKS THE THIRD SIGHTING THIS SUMMER, AND EACH TIME THE CREATURE LEAVES BEHIND A TRAIL OF EMPTY SKYLINE CHILI CANS AND A SINGLE, PERFECTLY FOLDED OHIO STATE FLAG.

ONE EXPERT FROM THE UNIVERSITY OF CINCINNATI’S DEPARTMENT OF CRYPTOZOOLOGY AND MILD REGRET SAYS IT COULD BE A DISGRUNTLED FORMER OSU WALK-ON WHO WENT FULL METHOD ACTOR IN THE WOODS.

RESIDENTS ARE BEING ADVISED TO LOCK UP THEIR CHILI, HIDE THEIR BUCKEYES, AND WHATEVER YOU DO… DO NOT PLAY THE FIGHT SONG AFTER DARK.