OKLAHOMA

OKLAHOMA

LAW ENFORCEMENT IN WASHITA COUNTY IS ON HIGH ALERT THIS MORNING AFTER A 10-FOOT TALL SOONER SASQUATCH WAS CAUGHT ON SECURITY CAMERAS RAIDING ROADSIDE ONION BURGER STANDS NEAR CORDELL. WITNESSES DESCRIBE THE CREATURE AS A MASSIVE SHAGGY BEAST WEARING NOTHING BUT AN OVERSIZED OKLAHOMA CITY THUNDER JERSEY AND A PAIR OF STOLEN COWBOY BOOTS.

INSTEAD OF JUST EATING THE BURGERS THE SASQUATCH CAREFULLY ARRANGED HUNDREDS OF ONION RINGS INTO A PERFECT REPLICA OF THE 1889 LAND RUN. COMPLETE WITH TINY STICK FIGURE SOONERS AND A BOOMER SPELLED OUT IN PICKLES.

HE DID THE ENTIRE OKLAHOMA MUSICAL NUMBER IN SIGN LANGUAGE USING HAY BALES. DINER OWNER DARLENE MCCOY SAID THAT WHILE STILL CLUTCHING A HALF EATEN CHICKEN FRIED STEAK. THEN HE CHUGGED A TWO LITER OF DR PEPPER AND VANISHED INTO A DUST DEVIL.

STATE WILDLIFE OFFICIALS ARE CALLING IT A HOAX. BUT LOCALS SWEAR THIS IS THE SAME CRITTER SPOTTED LAST MONTH REARRANGING ROUTE 66 ROAD SIGNS INTO BASKETBALL PLAYS. EACH SIGHTING LEAVES BEHIND A TRAIL OF EMPTY WHATABURGER WRAPPERS. THUNDER BASKETBALL CARDS AND ONE PERFECTLY FOLDED UNIVERSITY OF OKLAHOMA FLAG.

A CRYPTOZOOLOGIST FROM OKLAHOMA STATE UNIVERSITY SAYS IT MIGHT BE A RETIRED NBA MASCOT WHO WENT FULL METHOD IN THE TALL GRASS.

RESIDENTS ARE ADVISED TO SECURE YOUR ONION BURGERS. HIDE YOUR DR PEPPER. AND FOR THE LOVE OF WILL ROGERS DO NOT BLAST THE OU FIGHT SONG AFTER DARK.