OREGON

OREGON

PARK RANGERS AT CAPE PERPETUA CAMPGROUND ARE INVESTIGATING REPORTS FROM AN OTHERWISE NORMAL CAMPER WHO ENCOUNTERED A 9 FOOT TALL COASTAL SASQUATCH LATE LAST NIGHT. THE SURPRISED HIKER A SOFTWARE ENGINEER FROM PORTLAND DESCRIBED THE BEAST AS A TOWERING MOSS-COVERED FIGURE WEARING NOTHING BUT A TATTERED OREGON DUCKS RAIN PONCHO AND FLIP FLOPS MADE FROM OLD TIRE TREAD.

INSTEAD OF SCARING THE CAMPER THE CREATURE QUIETLY REARRANGED DOZENS OF DRIFTWOOD LOGS AND TIDE POOL ROCKS INTO A PERFECT SCALE MODEL OF THE HECETA HEAD LIGHTHOUSE. IT EVEN LIT TINY BIOLUMINESCENT ALGAE LANTERNS INSIDE THE MINIATURE TOWER.

THE CAMPER SAID THE SASQUATCH THEN PERFORMED AN ELABORATE RAIN DANCE USING GATHERED KELP WHILE HUMMING THE OREGON STATE SONG. IT FINISHED BY LEAVING A TRAIL OF EMPTY CRAFT IPA CANS FROM A LOCAL BREWERY AND ONE PERFECTLY FOLDED UNIVERSITY OF OREGON FLAG DRAPED OVER THE PICNIC TABLE.

STATE WILDLIFE OFFICIALS ARE CALLING IT A HOAX. BUT MULTIPLE CAMPERS HAVE NOW REPORTED SIMILAR NIGHTTIME VISITS WITH EACH ENCOUNTER LEAVING BEHIND FRESH FORAGED CHANTERELLE MUSHROOMS AND PERFECTLY STACKED FIREWOOD.

A CRYPTOZOOLOGIST FROM OREGON STATE UNIVERSITY SUGGESTS IT COULD BE A RECLUSIVE FORMER TRAIL MAINTAINER WHO HAS GONE FULL METHOD IN THE OLD GROWTH.

CAMPERS ARE ADVISED TO SECURE THEIR SMORES.