SOUTH DAKOTA: THE BADLANDS

SOUTH DAKOTA: THE BADLANDS

I WAS IN THE BADLANDS LAST WEEK. SEEING OTHERWORLDLY RIDGES EVERYBODY PHOTOGRAPHS FROM THE OVERLOOKS. SOFT ROCK. STEEP CUTS. RANGERS ON A LOOP: STAY ON THE TRAIL.

I WATCHED A GUY IGNORE ALL OF THAT. HE LEFT THE PATH, CLIMBED DOWN INTO A NARROW BREAK IN THE FORMATIONS LIKE IT WAS A BACKYARD DITCH, AND THEN DISCOVERED THERE WAS NO BACKYARD LADDER. HE WAS STUCK. OTHER HIKERS HEARD HIM FIRST. THEN RANGERS. THEN IT WAS OBVIOUS NOBODY WAS WALKING HIM OUT. SO I STUCK AROUND TO SEE HOW IT TURNED OUT.

THEY BROUGHT A HELICOPTER. CABLE DOWN. HARNESS ON. UP HE GOES. AND THEN THE CABLE STARTS TO TURN, AND HE STARTS TO TURN WITH IT, HANGING OUT THERE OVER THAT PAINTED MOONSCAPE, SPINNING. THAT’S WHEN HE LOST IT. THREW UP ALL OVER HIMSELF ON THE WAY OUT OF A HOLE HE CLIMBED INTO ON PURPOSE.

THEY SET HIM DOWN UNHURT. THE NEXT DAY I HEAR HE’S SUING THE RESCUE OUTFIT. NOT FOR A BROKEN BONE. FOR “DISCOMFORT.” AND FOR A NEW SET OF CLOTHES, BECAUSE HE VOMITED ON HIMSELF WHILE THEY WERE SAVING HIS LIFE.

I KEEP THINKING ABOUT THAT PARK: 244,000 ACRES, NO CUSTOMER SERVICE DESK, AND A VERY SIMPLE RULE. STAY ON THE TRAIL. BRING WATER. DON’T CLIMB INTO THE SCENERY. AND IF A HELICOPTER HAS TO COME GET YOU, TRY NOT TO SPIN, SUE, OR SOIL THE HARNESS.

THE BADLANDS WILL OUTLAST THE LAWSUIT. I WAS THERE. I SAW THE FIRST HALF. THE SECOND HALF WRITES ITSELF.