Texas

TEXAS

IN TEXAS, THE HEAT IS HONEST AND THE WILDLIFE IT NOT AFTAID OF SOFT-BODIED HUMANS. THAT INCLUDES JAVELINAS, WHICH LOOK LIKE PIGS, ACT LIKE PIGS, AND ARE NOT PIGS.

LAST WEEK A VISITOR AT A HILL COUNTRY STATE PARK LEFT A GROCERY BAG ON A PICNIC TABLE AND WALKED TWENTY FEET AWAY FOR A PHOTOGRAPH OF A LIMESTONE BLUFF. INSIDE THE BAG: A FAMILY-SIZE SACK OF FRITOS AND A ROTISSERIE CHICKEN STILL IN THE PLASTIC. A JAVELINA FOUND IT IN THE TIME IT TAKES TO UNLOCK A PHONE.

THE MAN CAME BACK YELLING. THE JAVELINA DID NOT NEGOTIATE. IT TOOK THE CHICKEN INTO THE PRICKLY PEAR. THE MAN FOLLOWED. THAT IS HOW YOU COLLECT SPINES IN PLACES YOU WILL LATER DESCRIBE, AT A CLINIC, AS “PERSONAL.” PARK STAFF PULLED HIM OUT, TWEEZERS AND PATIENCE, UNHURT EXCEPT FOR PRIDE AND A SHIRT THAT WOULD NEVER BE FORMAL AGAIN.

THE NEXT MORNING HE WANTED THE PARK BILLED FOR THE CHICKEN, THE CHIPS, THE SHIRT, AND WHAT HE CALLED “EMOTIONAL DAMAGES FROM BEING ROBBED BY A WILD ANIMAL.” OFFICERS NOTED, NOT FOR THE FIRST TIME, THAT A JAVELINA IS NOT DOCILE, A PICNIC TABLE IS NOT A SAFE, AND FRITOS IN JULY ARE AN ENGRAVED INVITATION.

STAY WITH YOUR FOOD. STAY OUT OF THE PRICKLY PEAR. TEXAS WILL FEED THE WILDLIFE WHETHER YOU MEAN TO OR NOT.