Episode 13: Year Two Begins

You Know What Really Makes Me Mad?

You know what really makes me mad? Smart fridges. I’d never buy one—never will. But I see them everywhere now, lined up in stores like obedient little spies, waiting to betray whoever’s foolish enough to plug them in. They promise “convenience,” but what they really mean is subscription fees and firmware failures.

Used to be, you bought an appliance once. It hummed for twenty years, maybe more. You could defrost it with a screwdriver and a little patience. Now? You get some overpriced touchscreen with feelings. The ice maker quits if it loses Wi-Fi. The app won’t open unless you “accept the new terms of service.” Half the time, it won’t even cool unless it’s paired to the cloud.

You call the repair guy and he tells you the motherboard’s shot—motherboard!—like we’re talking about a spaceship, not a box that keeps cheese cold. And of course, the part’s “discontinued.” Planned obsolescence, they call it. Built to die young. Like everything else these days.

Meanwhile, my old dumb fridge from the ’80s just sits there in the kitchen, humming away. And it’s noisy as hell, but I digress.

ILLINOIS

CHICAGO — Panera Bread is gearing up to celebrate National Mac & Cheese Day next week with the release of a particularly cheesy beauty product.

On Wednesday, Panera announced that it was teaming up with beauty brand Holler and Glow to launch two limited-run lip balms inspired by the fast-casual restaurant chain’s mac and cheese and bread bowls.

The first lip balm, called “S’Mac My Day.” is a Mac & Cheese-scented balm that Panera says is “as rich and satisfying as your favorite spoonful.”

The second balm, called “Get That Bread,” is bread-scented and the chain says it invokes “the scent of baked bread with every swipe.”

“Inspired by Panera’s fan-favorite Mac & Cheese and iconic Bread Bowl, this crave-worthy collab brings cozy, carb-inspired comfort to your beauty routine,” a spokesperson for the restaurant chain said.

But putting on the balm won’t just smell like the cheesy favorites; the unique balms also come with a miniature spoon for application, just like a bread bowl filled with Panera mac and cheese.

The wacky balms are sold as a pair and are available on Amazon and The Panera Shop for $8.

INDIANA

The crowd gathered to watch the 2024 U.S. Open Bowling Tournament at Indy’s Woodland Bowl got more than they had bargained for when one of the keglers left the competition in handcuffs.

Last Thursday, Professional bowler Brandon Novak, 35, of Chillicothe, was arrested by U.S. Marshals on an active warrant stemming from charges in Ohio. When contacted for comment, Ross County Assistant Prosecutor Cindy Schumaker stated that the indictment is under seal, and the nature of Novak’s charges has not been released to the public.

Despite getting apprehended mid-play, Novak still won $1500.

Etymology flex: The term kegler comes from the German word “Kegel,” meaning skittle or pin. So, a kegler is literally “one who plays at Kegel,” a precursor to modern bowling.

IOWA

Wacky Fair Food

The Iowa State Fair never disappoints when it comes to wacky dishes for fairgoers to sample during Iowa’s event of the summer. This year’s fair featured unique delicacies like:

Deep-fried bubble gum, which actually didn’t feature any bubble gum but just mimicked the sensation with a big, gooey deep-fried marshmallow that tastes like the color pink.

A two-foot lobster roll, which is just plain unheard of in a landlocked state like Iowa. Fairgoers couldn’t even carry—let alone eat it—themselves!

Deep-fried pepperoni chips—extra crispy, minus the pizza.

A Hot Cheeto Float, which sounds more like a dare than something you actually want to consume.