Episode 16: Cheese Caves and Sea Stories

AT THE MINNESOTA STATE FAIR, SCULPTORS ONCE AGAIN LOCKED IN TO CARVE PRINCESS KAY OF THE MILKY WAY—IN 90-POUND BLOCKS OF BUTTER. THAT’S RIGHT: HUMAN FACES, CORPORATE FOCUS, ZERO ROOM-TEMPERATURE MARGIN FOR ERROR.

THESE ARTISTS WORK IN A REFRIGERATED BOOTH COOLED TO 46 DEGREES. THEIR SCULPTING TAKES ABOUT SIX HOURS, ONE BUTTER CURL AT A TIME, WHILE FAIRGOERS WATCH THROUGH GLASS LIKE IT’S A DAIRY-THEMED REALITY SHOW.

AND WHEN IT’S ALL OVER? THE BUTTER DOESN’T RETIRE. IT GETS RECYCLED—USED FOR COOKING OIL OR FUEL—BECAUSE SUSTAINABILITY IS ON BRAND AND NOTHING SAYS MINNESOTA LIKE CIRCULAR BUTTER ECONOMICS.

SO YES: COLD ROOM, WARM SMILES, MONUMENTAL CHOLESTEROL. MINNESOTA CONTINUES TO EXECUTE EXCELLENCE IN SILENCE, SWEATSHIRTS, AND UNSALTED AMBITION.

DOWN ON THE GULF COAST, THE CITY OF PASCAGOULA ONCE AGAIN HOSTED ITS ANNUAL MOSQUITO CALLING CONTEST—A REAL, SANCTIONED EVENT WHERE GROWN ADULTS STEP ONTO A STAGE AND ATTEMPT TO LURE IMAGINARY MOSQUITOES USING NOTHING BUT MOUTH NOISES AND CONFIDENCE.

CONTESTANTS BUZZ. THEY WHINE. THEY ESCALATE. JUDGES LISTEN CLOSELY, SCORING ACCURACY, REALISM, AND EMOTIONAL COMMITMENT. THIS IS NOT IRONY. THIS IS TRADITION. WINNERS RECEIVE TROPHIES, BRAGGING RIGHTS, AND THE QUIET RESPECT OF PEOPLE WHO KNOW THE ENEMY INTIMATELY.

THE EVENT TRACES BACK DECADES, PART FESTIVAL, PART ENDURANCE TEST, PART WARNING TO NATURE: WE KNOW YOUR SOUND. MISSISSIPPI DIDN’T CHOOSE THE MOSQUITO LIFE—THE MOSQUITO LIFE CHOSE MISSISSIPPI.

SO IF YOU’RE VISITING MISSISSIPPI AND HEAR A STRANGE BUZZING DRIFTING OFF THE COAST, DON’T PANIC. THAT’S JUST CIVIC PRIDE, VIBRATING AT FULL VOLUME.

THE FEDERAL CHEESE QUIETLY AGING BENEATH SPRINGFIELD, MISSOURI.

YES. UNDER THIS PERFECTLY ORDINARY MIDWESTERN CITY SITS A LIMESTONE CAVE SYSTEM STORING HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS OF POUNDS OF GOVERNMENT-OWNED CHEESE. REAL CHEESE. CHEDDAR, MOSTLY. PATIENT. SILENT. WAITING.

THE CAVES STAY A STEADY 36 DEGREES YEAR-ROUND, WHICH IS IDEAL FOR DAIRY AND ALSO FOR NEVER THINKING ABOUT DAYLIGHT AGAIN. THE CHEESE BELONGS TO THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF AGRICULTURE, PURCHASED DECADES AGO TO STABILIZE MILK PRICES AND NOW RESTING LIKE A LACTOSE-HEAVY STRATEGIC RESERVE.

NO TOURS. NO TASTING. JUST FORKLIFTS, HUMIDITY CONTROL, AND THE QUIET KNOWLEDGE THAT IF CIVILIZATION COLLAPSES, MISSOURI WILL STILL BE ABLE TO MAKE A GRILLED CHEESE FOR THE AGES.

SO, IF YOU’RE DRIVING THROUGH SPRINGFIELD AND FEEL A STRANGE SENSE OF COMFORT BENEATH YOUR FEET—DON’T WORRY. THAT’S NOT GEOLOGY. THAT’S CHEDDAR.