Episode 18: Full Tank

I LIVE ON VASHON ISLAND. VASHON HAS A TROLL. THE TROLL’S NAME IS OSCAR. OSCAR IS EIGHTEEN FEET TALL, WEARS A CROWN OF BIRDHOUSES, AND LIVES IN A GROVE OF TREES AT POINT ROBINSON PARK ON MAURY ISLAND, WHICH IS CONNECTED TO VASHON, ABOUT A TWENTY-MINUTE DRIVE FROM THE FERRY DOCK. THIS INFORMATION IS ON THE INTERNET. IT IS ON MANY WEBSITES. IT HAS BEEN ON MANY WEBSITES SINCE SEPTEMBER OF 2023.

NONE OF THIS STOPS PEOPLE FROM ASKING ME WHERE THE TROLL IS.

EVERY WEEKEND. FERRY PULLS IN. TOURIST WALKS UP TO THE FIRST ISLANDER THEY SEE — WHICH IS OFTEN ME — AND ASKS, WITH COMPLETE SINCERITY, “WHERE’S THE TROLL?”

I AM NOT A TROLL MAP. I AM A PERSON TRYING TO GET A CUP OF COFFEE.

I ANSWER ANYWAY, BECAUSE I’M NOT A MONSTER, UNLIKE THE EIGHTEEN-FOOT RECYCLED WOOD SCULPTURE I JUST GAVE YOU DIRECTIONS TO.

BUT HERE’S WHAT I NEED YOU TO UNDERSTAND. THIS IS NOT THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE I’VE BEEN ASKED AN UNANSWERABLE QUESTION BY A TOURIST WHO EXPECTED A LOCAL TO FIX IT.

I USED TO LIVE ON MAUI. AND ONE AFTERNOON, A TOURIST — AN ADULT, WITH A RENTAL CAR AND PRESUMABLY A FUNCTIONING PHONE — APPROACHED ME AND ASKED, IN COMPLETE SERIOUSNESS, FOR DIRECTIONS TO KAUAI.

KAUAI. THE ISLAND. THE SEPARATE ISLAND. ACROSS A CHANNEL. SEVENTY MILES AWAY.

I HAVE NEVER FULLY RECOVERED.

OSCAR, AT LEAST, REQUIRES A CAR.

NEW HAMPSHIRE

A KEENE WOMAN IS DEMANDING A FULL CRIMINAL INVESTIGATION AFTER HER NEIGHBOR ALLEGEDLY REPLACED THE HOLY WATER IN HER BACKYARD GROTTO WITH APPLE CIDER.

PATRICIA VOLPE, 74, SAYS SHE NOTICED SOMETHING WAS WRONG DURING HER WEDNESDAY MORNING BLESSING RITUAL WHEN THE WATER — AND THIS IS HER WORD — “SMELLED FESTIVE.”

THE SUSPECT, A MAN KNOWN IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD ONLY AS “CIDER DAVE,” HAS NOT DENIED THE SWAP. IN A BRIEF STATEMENT LEFT ON PATRICIA’S PORCH — WRITTEN ON A PAPER BAG — HE SAID HE BELIEVED APPLE CIDER, AS NEW HAMPSHIRE’S OFFICIAL STATE BEVERAGE, HELD, QUOTE, “EQUAL OR GREATER SANCTITY THAN WHATEVER THE POPE IS SELLING.”

CIDER DAVE COULD NOT BE REACHED FOR COMMENT, AS HE DOES NOT HAVE A PHONE. OR, APPARENTLY, A LAST NAME.

WHAT MAKES THIS STORY STRANGER: PATRICIA ADMITS THE GROTTO HAS LOOKED BETTER SINCE THE SWAP. THE STONE SAINT FRANCIS, SHE TOLD REPORTERS, HAS DEVELOPED WHAT SHE DESCRIBES AS “A LOVELY AMBER PATINA” AND SMELLS, QUOTE, “LIKE A GOOD OCTOBER.”

SHE IS STILL PRESSING CHARGES.

THE KEENE POLICE DEPARTMENT CONFIRMED THEY ARE INVESTIGATING, AND ADDED — UNPROMPTED — THAT THEY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT CHARGE WOULD APPLY HERE.

CIDER DAVE WAS LAST SEEN AT A LOCAL ORCHARD, BUYING MORE CIDER. PRESUMABLY FOR RELIGIOUS PURPOSES.

LIVE FREE OR DIE, NEW HAMPSHIRE.

NEW JERSEY

A BAYONNE MAN IS REFUSING TO APOLOGIZE AFTER A TUGBOAT HE WAS OPERATING ON THE KILL VAN KULL BROKE FREE OF ITS BARGE SUNDAY MORNING AND DRIFTED, UNATTENDED, PAST THREE MUNICIPALITIES BEFORE WEDGING ITSELF AGAINST A WORKING COMMERCIAL DOCK IN STATEN ISLAND.

DOMINIC FERRUCCI, 58, TOLD COAST GUARD INVESTIGATORS HE HAD BRIEFLY STEPPED OFF THE TUG TO RETRIEVE A BREAKFAST SANDWICH FROM A PIER-SIDE FOOD TRUCK, ESTIMATING HE WOULD BE GONE, QUOTE, “FOUR MINUTES, TOPS.”

HE WAS GONE FORTY-SEVEN MINUTES.

WHEN ASKED WHAT TOOK SO LONG, FERRUCCI SAID THE LINE WAS LONGER THAN EXPECTED, AND THAT HE HAD ALSO ORDERED A COFFEE, AND THAT THE COFFEE WAS, QUOTE, “NOT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.”

THE BARGE, CARRYING APPROXIMATELY 200 TONS OF NEW JERSEY’S FINEST EXPORT, GARBAGE, DRIFTED NEARLY TWO MILES BEFORE COMING TO REST AGAINST A BULK CARGO TERMINAL, WHERE IT INTERRUPTED THE UNLOADING OF A BULK CARRIER — WHICH LONGSHOREMEN DESCRIBED AS, QUOTE, “CONFUSING, BUT NOT SURPRISING. IT’S FROM NEW JERSEY, AFTER ALL,”

DOCK SUPERVISORS BRIEFLY CONSIDERED JUST THROWING THEIR OWN GARBAGE ON IT.

NO INJURIES WERE REPORTED. THE COAST GUARD IS INVESTIGATING. FERRUCCI FACES POTENTIAL FINES AND A SUSPENSION OF HIS MASTER’S LICENSE.

HIS ATTORNEY SAYS DOMINIC DEEPLY REGRETS THE INCIDENT AND ACCEPTS FULL RESPONSIBILITY.

THANKS TO THE PUBLICITY, THE FOOD TRUCK HAS RECEIVED FORTY-SEVEN FIVE-STAR REVIEWS SINCE

NEW MEXICO

A TOURIST FROM OHIO IS AT THE CENTER OF A DEVELOPING SITUATION IN SANTA FE THIS WEEK AFTER BECOMING, ACCORDING TO STAFF AT A LOCAL RESTAURANT, “COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY PARALYZED” WHEN ASKED WHETHER HE WANTED RED OR GREEN CHILE ON HIS ENCHILADAS.

THE MAN, IDENTIFIED ONLY AS TODD, ENTERED THE RESTAURANT AT APPROXIMATELY 12:15 PM ON SATURDAY. HE STILLHAS NOT YET ORDERED.

IT IS NOW TUESDAY.

TODD TOLD A REPORTER HE HAD DONE EXTENSIVE RESEARCH BEFORE HIS TRIP TO NEW MEXICO AND FELT FULLY PREPARED. HE HAD NOT, HE ADMITTED, RESEARCHED THE CHILE QUESTION. HE DESCRIBED THE MOMENT IT WAS ASKED AS, QUOTE, “LIKE BEING ASKED TO CHOOSE A FAVORITE CHILD, EXCEPT I DON’T HAVE CHILDREN, AND ALSO IT’S CHILE.”

RESTAURANT STAFF HAVE BEEN PATIENT. THE OWNER BROUGHT TODD A SMALL SAMPLE OF EACH ON DAY ONE. THIS MADE THINGS WORSE.

BY MONDAY, TODD HAD CONSTRUCTED A PROS AND CONS LIST, CONSULTED TWO LOCALS, CALLED HIS MOTHER IN COLUMBUS, AND READ THE ENTIRE WIKIPEDIA ENTRY ON HATCH CHILE TWICE.

A REGULAR AT THE COUNTER SUGGESTED HE ORDER CHRISTMAS — BOTH RED AND GREEN — WHICH TODD DESCRIBED AS, QUOTE, “A RELIEF SO PROFOUND I ACTUALLY TEARED UP A LITTLE.”

HE THEN ASKED IF THERE WAS A FOURTH OPTION.

THERE IS NOT, TODD.

NEW MEXICO’S OFFICIAL STATE QUESTION REMAINS “RED OR GREEN?” IT HAS NEVER TAKEN THIS LONG BEFORE.