Episode 19: Coats of Arms and Checked Bags

New York

“Liberty and Justice for Some”

A retired art history professor from Buffalo is demanding the state of New York formally arbitrate a domestic dispute he has been having with his wife since March, on the grounds that it directly concerns the New York state coat of arms.

Leonard Kowalski, 71, insists the two female figures flanking the shield on the coat of arms are Liberty and Justice. His wife, Paulette, 68, has maintained since a vacation to Albany that they are, quote, “two ladies who look like they’re about to ask to speak with a manager.”

Leonard, who taught art history for thirty-one years, has provided documentation. Paulette says his documentation is, quote, “very long and also boring.”

The figure on the left holds a staff topped with a Phrygian cap, the ancient Roman symbol of freed slaves, and has a crown at her feet. Leonard says this is clearly Liberty rejecting monarchy. Paulette says she looks like someone who just got off a long flight and lost her luggage.

The figure on the right holds a sword and scales. Leonard says this is Justice. Paulette says the sword suggests someone who has simply had enough.

Leonard filed a formal letter with the governor’s office requesting clarification. The governor’s office did not respond.

Paulette considers this a win.

The coat of arms remains unchanged. Both women on it appear, to varying interpretations, extremely done with everything.

North Carolina

“The Dogwood Incident”

A retired schoolteacher in Asheville is in a standoff with her homeowners association after her three dogs dug up every dogwood sapling in the neighborhood’s common area and arranged them, according to witnesses, in what she is calling “a gesture.”

Beverly Pruitt, 67, says she was attempting to honor North Carolina’s state flower by planting twelve dogwood saplings along the common area fence line. Her dogs — all three of them Plott hounds, North Carolina’s official state dog — had other ideas.

Within forty minutes of planting, the dogs had removed all twelve saplings and deposited them in a neat pile in front of Beverly’s neighbor’s door. The neighbor, a man named Gerald, has an ongoing dispute with Beverly about leaf blowers.

Beverly says the dogs acted independently. Gerald says this is not believable. The HOA says it cannot determine intent.

Beverly’s attorney has pointed out that the Plott hound was bred to hunt bear in the North Carolina mountains, and that redirecting that instinct toward ornamental landscaping is, in his words, “frankly impressive.”

The saplings are being replanted. The dogs are unrepentant. Gerald has filed a formal complaint.

North Carolina’s state flower remains the dogwood. North Carolina’s state dog remains unbothered.

North Dakota

“Do-Si-Don’t”

A Bismarck man is being asked not to return to the Burleigh County Harvest Festival after serving as square dance caller for approximately eleven minutes before the entire floor stopped moving and just stood there.

Randy Hoff, 54, had volunteered to fill in after the scheduled caller canceled. Randy had attended one square dance in 1987 and described himself to organizers as, quote, “basically familiar with how it goes.”

He was not.

Randy’s first call was “Allemande left, then go right, then maybe circle, I want to say, clockwise?” Three couples walked into each other. One left to get a hot dish and did not come back.

He then called “Do-si-do your partner, then your corner, then whoever’s closest, use your judgment.” Witnesses say this produced something that looked less like square dancing and more like eight people trying to find their cars in a dark parking lot.

Randy’s third and final call was “Okay everybody just swing, just — yeah, swing, like a swing, you know what a swing is.”

At this point the fiddle player simply stopped playing.

Randy maintains the crowd was unresponsive. The crowd maintains Randy called “promenade” twice in a row with no intervening steps, which is apparently not a thing.

North Dakota has designated square dancing its official state dance since 1995. Randy has been designated persona non grata at the Harvest Festival since Tuesday.

“Things That Make Doug Mad”

I’m leaving for Maui on Monday. Two weeks. I’m taking a checked bag because I’m going to be on Maui for two weeks and I’m not an animal who can survive on a carry-on and optimism for fourteen days.

I also paid for a premium seat. I want to be clear about what that means. I paid extra. Above the base fare. For a better seat. Because I’m going to be sitting in it for six hours. This seemed reasonable.

What is not reasonable is that the premium seat, for which I paid a premium price, does not include a checked bag. The checked bag is forty dollars each way. Eighty dollars total. For a bag. That goes on the same plane as my premium seat and me.

So to summarize: I have paid for a ticket, I have paid for a better seat on top of the ticket, and I am now paying again for the luggage required to support the trip that the first two payments were supposedly covering.

At some point the airline is going to charge me for the oxygen.

The bag will arrive on Maui thirty minutes after I do, behind a surfboard and someone’s emotional support cooler. I will be in a premium seat when I land, which means I will be close to the front of the plane and will still somehow be the fourteenth person off.

I want it on the record that I am annoyed.